Before I made the official decision to leave nursing behind and pursue software development, I lived through months of emotional exhaustion, frustration, and denial. I didn’t have the words to express what I was feeling out loud so I wrote them down in my notes app.
This post is not polished. It’s not a how-to. It’s the raw, chaotic truth of what it felt like to be trapped in a degree I couldn’t wait to finish, just so I could leave it behind forever.
If you’re in a place where you feel stuck, unheard, or silently screaming inside a path that no longer fits you this is for you.
Okay so someone get me out of here cuz I can’t deal. It’s like my interest just went from 100 to 0 real quick I mean like super quick. This year it’s just become worse and I have to persevere as hard as I can cuz it’s like my brain can’t deal anymore.
Anyway, I never wanted to study nursing and to be honest I don’t even know how I got to this point. But thank goodness I just found out that one can do a master’s degree in any other subject so I’m bolting out of nursing as fast as I can while I still can.
The shit is just so annoying now and I’ve got like 12 weeks placement and another 13 week one coming. I just hope I get through this 12 week one as fast as hours, days, and months can possibly go. Fuck this shit 🖕🏾.
It’s not like I’m failing or anything. I always get 70% and above for exams and I know some of my shit. But unconsciously, I’ll be in class thinking about how cool it would be to study something else. Cuz nursing just feels so far from what I actually want.
Damn I didn’t know I had so much shit to say… So Bernice, put on your big girl shoes and hang in there. You can do this. You are smart. And too lazy. Get off your high horse, get a job.
😭😭😂😂🤣 I swear I insult myself more than anyone else. Anyway, u got me. So do your shit and make you proud.
So here we go again, another stupid honest rant. I’m just having breakfast and I’ve got like 5 mins left on the clock to go back to the ward but Fuck that shit. Do I really wanna go back? Hell to the NO. I want to go home cuz I’m tired and sleepy and guess what I’m back in tomorrow 7:30 to 7:30. Fuck my life.
I can’t wait to finish this placement and get the Fuck out of here. I can’t turn back time, but getting into this course was an honest mistake. I can’t believe that in first year after my first placement, I actually said “I’ve fallen in love with nursing more and more.” WHAT A LOAD OF BULL. And I meant it at the time?! I can’t even stand the shit now.
I’ll continue later during lunch break. Gotta go now.
So it’s 11:50am and I’m sitting in this room having my 30mins break. Early during the shift apparently a possibly positive COVID-19 aka Corona Virus patient was brought in the hospital and taken to one of the wards upstairs 😳🧐.
I’m okay so far, not tired 😓 or sleepy yet 😴. But I can’t just with the vibe in here like nursing is 100% not my thing. Just the thought 💭 that I’m not ever gonna do this it’s what’s keeping me going. Cuz I genuinely hate talking to people it’s just my personality I was born quiet and I love 💕 my own company more than anything, I love 💕 the silence and I hate small talks it’s not like I’m even good at them.
I just wanna have a good grade for this. I can’t wait for 2021 you know cuz that’s gonna be my year and I hope I make the right decisions when that time comes.
I don’t wanna leave one ☝🏾shit hole to another.
I’m just too tired and fed up tonight to really say anything meaningful I’ve got to go back now it’s already 12:11pm chat latter
Have a good shift Bernice
I’m having my breakfast and I’ve got like 15 mins in the clock left before I head back.
Today is more busy than usual and I’ve got my own patients and shit. Everything is just annoying I swear like I just don’t want to be here it’s getting harder for me to even concentrate/look interested as all I’m thinking 💭 of is just getting out of here and I have till August chai 🙆🏾♀️ Baba God u no de me well at all at all 🤦🏾♀️.
Yes their paying me and shit and it’s good money but to be honest I’d rather not have the money at just quit everything but obviously it doesn’t work that way.
I really get what people mean by when you don’t enjoy 😊 your job you’ll never be happy 😊 cuz that’s me right now.
I remember this healthcare support worker who I chatted with and she told me she once worked as a registered nurse for 6 whole damn years but left the job because it wasn’t good on her mental health. I mean I kinda get it although I ask myself what’s the difference your still working in the hospital but with being a nurse there’s just too much stress that comes with it and I’d rather be a domestic/porter/health care support worker were I don’t really have to constantly be talking to people.
And there was I thinking 🤔 I’ll become a nurse 😂😂😂 ahh that was fucking bullshit I can’t even stand the shit right now
Anyway whether I like it or not I’m not quitting I just have to grow some fucking balls (figuratively) and deal with it. Like they say “ITS LIFE”
God I’m sleepy
So I’ve got 5minutes (10:23) left I’ll rant some other time.
Today is another day on placement we’re I’m feeling not myself again. I just don’t like where I am at this point In my life and will always look at this moment as my worst.
I know understand the meaning of depression although I don’t think I’m quite at that level yet because I’d like to say that I’ve got a good understanding of my situation and how to get out of it but I just have to persevere through it and I’m talking 3-4 months.
I know I can do it and that I’ve got to it but sometimes I’m okay coming into placement and some days my mind just go into sadder and darker thoughts 💭.
Plan
Finish the 3-4 months placement that ends on August 31st.
Go through 4th year (by the way I’m not planning to work as a registered nurse 👩🏾⚕️ at all unless it’s a non-patient or non-clinical role and I mean it). I’ll only have to earn money some other way.
Apply for a postgrad 👩🏾🎓 in Software Development at Strathclyde and Glasgow University.
I’m actually doing great academically so 4th year is definitely not a concern for me as long as I’m not going to placement.
But it’s the 3-4 months that is the issue here. That’s long af and I’m thinking of not taking any annual leave and just firing through it and once I’ve gained my 500 hours then I call it quits to cuz tbh the £1000 + money that I’m getting isn’t even motivational for me I swear and some people just can’t understand that
It’s like “as long as they’re paying you it’s alright” like fuck no it isn’t
I’m just gonna end this here I’ve got 2 hours of break time and it’s currently 12:39am right now
Can’t wait for August.
2021 Bitches
Okay I’m out
#staypostive
Here are two of the original entries from my Notes app screenshot and all. These were typed in real-time, during shifts, lunch breaks, and late nights when I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
These rants may sound harsh and they are. But they were also my survival. Writing these words was how I got through those long shifts, those days of dread, and the ache of realising I was walking a path I didn’t want. If you’re reading this and nodding along… please know that you’re not crazy, ungrateful, or weak for wanting something different. You’re human. And you deserve a career that brings you peace.
Writing this post wasn’t easy. It was an emotional struggle to revisit those moments. Seeing how raw and overwhelmed I was knowing no one knew what I was going through brought up a lot. These might seem like just random rants to someone else, but to me, they represent one of the toughest periods in my twenty-something years of life. Yet, I made it through. I’m happy to say that I’m in a much better place mentally. I’ve found clarity, peace, and purpose. And most of all, I’m proud, truly proud of how far I’ve come.
Whether you’re still figuring things out or silently carrying a load no one sees please know you’re not alone. Feel free to share this post with someone who might need it, or leave a comment if you’ve ever felt stuck in a life that didn’t feel like yours. Your story matters too.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
I left nursing without ever working a single shift. Here’s how I found clarity, embraced uncertainty, and started a new path in tech.
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One Response
To be honest nursing school can be draining. Especially if it is not what you really want to do.